Internet service in France is not just good for the price. Consider the price of internet service though, whether you use SFR, Free, Bouygues or one of the others, you usually pay the flat fee per month of 29.99€. For 29.99€ you get unlimited DSL, unlimited data that is, your fixed telephone line, your cable TV, voice mail, it all comes through a “box” and that box offers wired connections via ethernet connections but it is also a wireless router. Then there is Bouygues who also bundles cell phone service with their box plan, I had an unlimited data, internet, and SMS plan with 2 hours of calling attached to my box for a total of 42€, their standard iPhone plan, that’s right 42€ for everything, that’s about $55 in today’s exchange rate. Remember that is the internet, cable, and fixed phone at home, plus your mobile plan all together. So if you occasionally, holds back laughter, had the cranky service person, well you had a great deal, it was fast, and rarely had an outage.

This is all fairly surprising because in France we often think all things technological are superior in the US. I have internet service for the 3 months that I am here in Philadelphia. It is based on data usage. Ask someone how it is calculated and no one can tell you. What does it mean to have 7.5G of data per month? How much Skype video chat can I do, what is the worst data hog, can I stream short screencast videos effortlessly, etc. Most people shrug their shoulders and say I don’t know or worse, your connection will just slow down when you are over the limit, but you work here, you must hear this question all the time.

Fine but I want to use it wisely, so if I know in advance, I’ll modify some of my habits, bad habits mainly gleaned from fast European networks with no data limits. So I was in the middle of a project and I had gone over the data limit, 5G was not enough for the first month, but that made it really hard to finish the project at home because I needed many resources that now moved slower than that old wench across Lake Constance, minus the clawing sound. Luckily there are free wifi spots EVERYWHERE so I could continue, but what a pain each day to schlep to a café, I don’t know how some of you café dwellers do it.

So the next time I complain about something in France, just remind me that my data is faster and bigger than your data and that should tide me over until the next complaint.

PS Maybe that is also why the French are the kings of downloading, I used to think it is because they are radin, cheap, but maybe it is just because they CAN!

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Now that I am back in the US for three months, I have started to obsess about some of the differences between France and the US. In France there is a real protocol for going to restaurants, not necessarily pretentious, but it is NOT anything goes like in the US. Waiters leave you alone, they bring your food, you ask for more or for the bill. You don’t learn their name and they don’t bother you.

Wait staff in the US always announce their name, I couldn’t care less what your name is and that you are going to be my server. All that is just slowing down the delivery of food to my table, now get your cul in gear!

Telling you where everything comes from, like, organic grain fed beef steak from Lancaster Farms religious freak meadows, early spring striated sommerset hills waxy green beans, in a Greensgrow Farms cilantro remoulade, with Happy Big Mama creme fraîche, blah blah blah, my head hurts just reading, it is like food foreplay that always disappoints.

What the fuck is a day boat anyway, as in day boat scallops? Do they fish at night? Fish have to get up for school so early in the morning.

When you give the menus back, Thank you, when you say it was good, Thank you, when you complain, Thank you, when you KILL, Thank you, I’ll rattle you yet. Thanks for trying to kill me, it just so happens that I have a gousse d’ail around my neck so I am immune to you, by the way, it is Vineland WWF approved endangered elephant garlic on a woven recycled dental floss neckpiece.

Nothing has changed in the last 5 minutes since you last stopped by for a chat. Aren’t you tired of me insulting you in French?

Is this your first time here? Who cares, if there is something to know tell me. I was just kidding when I said it was the first time since I got out of prison, but the unsure look on your face was priceless. I’ll use it again, except you kept coming around, you waited a whole 30 minutes before asking if I had really just gotten out of prison. But you were so cute, like a deer in headlights, just before impact.

How many times can you ask if there is anything else I’d like? You just push me to say ridiculous things, after the last time, do you want a coffee, would you like anything else, maybe some sugar, would you like anything else, perhaps some milk, would you like anything else, it would be nice if you would go and get my coffee now, would you like anything else, I would like this conversation to end now, would you like anything else, oh yes and a pony. She had that look on her face like perhaps she might be able to find one at this hour so I added as long as it is a clover fed 6 week old Assateague stallion, to which she said, what have you been doing in prison? Touché!

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Do you have a grill you brought from the US to France? Are you wondering if you can convert it to be used in France? I wrote an old post about it here, but now have some photos to go along with it. I have gotten lots of mail in recent weeks from readers who are attempting to do the same, are afraid to try it, or do not know where to begin. I make no guarantees, but it works for me. I know nothing about how much pressure should flow in a French grill vs an American grill. I barely know what kind of fuel is used in a French grill. All I know is that I broke the law when I converted my US grill to work in France, but I have been BBQing on my terrace for over a year with no problems..

To use a gas grill from the US in France is a very simple task, although I don’t guarantee anything. I bought a Weber grill in the US and when I moved to France I wanted to convert my US gas grill to use in France. When I went to the hardware store to explain my situation I was discouraged and told what I wanted to do was illegal. I guess they thought that would dissuade me, but that more than encouraged me to try it out.

The rubber tubing that runs between the grill and the gas tank is the wrong size. I just purchased a new correctly sized one. Then I bought silver clamps with screws and screwed them on tight so there would be no leaks.

When I purchased my tank of butane I think not propane, the regulator came with the tank. I just connected the regulator to the rubber tubing, then it latched on to the tank. There is an emergency shut off valve so I was not worried about explosions.

I have been using it for 1 year with no problems. I always turn the gas off manually when I am not using the grill, but I did this in the US too.

I think that is all there is to using a gas grill from the US in France.

Do you have any more gas grill hacks like this in France? Share them in the comments.

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I am going to give you 3 underground Travel Tips for traveling around Toulouse, France. 1, 2, 3 the end! Go back home.

You see travel tips generally suck and if you can read about it online, so can everyone else. This means it cannot really underground or off the beaten track etc. But you already know this, I hope. I mean the best way to find out about the good stuff is from friends who live where you are going. Please don’t call them locals or I get to call you an asshole. Really, if you have friends who live somewhere, go out with them, you will see all the good stuff. Don’t write about it afterward like you are the new annointed expert or we get to call you even worse names.

So you don’t have any friends where you are traveling? Why should you get access to the good stuff then, you should work on your friendship skills instead.

All of this was prompted by a hilarious post I read on a blog called Miss Expatria, read the post here. Read the comments, they too are funny, all 90 of them, so jealous, 90 comments. She made a recent comment here, and in just a sentence, hit the nail on the head about living in France, so I visited her blog thinking how authentic her voice was, and was happily skimming through it. Working again at my blog, I realize that, sometimes you run across greatness, cloaked in humility, unassuming, check out her blog.

http://missexpatria.wordpress.com/

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Cycling in France

This map shows some routes that are already well traveled cycling routes throughout France. These routes are well marked, have lots of stopping points, resting places, and eating establishments. You can break apart the trip into larger or smaller segments depending on your desire. cycling in France can be amazing, I personally have my heart set on Toulouse -> Sete and then with a little more training, Royan -> Sete.

Here is a link to a site with lots of good ideas for cycling in France.

Bike Routes in France

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When you live in France as a foreigner, lots of other foreigners begin sentences with, well in France, or they end them with, only in France, so I am doing my part to fit in. Well in France, the other day we were driving along the turnpike, tollroad, highway, freeway (but not free), autoroute and we needed to stop to use the bathroom. The bathrooms on the autoroute are really nice, I guess that is why the tolls are so high. Going into the bathroom I saw this sign and my first thought was, the woman in the logo looks like she is strangling the baby. It actually took me a minute to realize it was a separate room for changing diapers. It made me think about all the cultural differences I live with and how the design of logos and icons is so heavily influenced by culture. So yes, France has baby strangling stations, shakes head, mouths the words, “Only in France”, and spits in urinal while peeing, a cultural trait the French do not have.

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La Grainerie is a circus arts school located in Toulouse. I recently ran across it while searching for interesting non-mainstream things to do. I have been looking to expand my social activities and La Grainerie has different events that sound cool. I don’t think this a lion jumping through fiery hoops kind of animal exploitation misery. There are lots of acrobatics and trampolines and trapeezes and such. Ringling Brothers this ain’t! On the road to becoming a carny.

A little history about La Grainerie: the first incarnation of it was in an old grain storage building, hence the name, La Grainerie. With a home, the performers could now train themselves, practice, and create new forms of “spectacles”. They were temporarily moved to an old military compound where they had lots more space to practice and hone their craft. Finally they are in their new home in Balma Gramont, which is technically outside the city limits of Toulouse, but Toulouse all the same.

I cannot embed the video, but click here to go to another site to see a mini 10 minute documentary about La Grainerie. There is an upcoming festival of circus arts in Toulouse and I see La Grainerie is a part of that. Some of the acrobats are pretty great in the video.

Are you interested in learning circus stunts? Have you been waiting your whole life to ignore the “don’t try this at home, we are trained professionals” line and throw caution to the wind?Click here to see their workshops and training classes.

Maybe you just want to go to one of their performances. I know I do. Check out the program to find your perfect circus night on the town.

Click here to download one of their program schedules.

I think I have also seen people at the marché St Aubin who looked vaguely circus-esque handing out flyers. I am looking forward to my first night at this non traditional circus, who wants to go?

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Come join us for French Friday's at Delicatessen

The idea is that native French and native English speakers get together and spend half the time speaking in English and half in French to improve our language abilities. Sometimes we favor one language over the other but we usually speak them both, and you can certainly insist. We meet at Delicatessen which is a bar that serves coffee, tapas, and of course beer and wine. Come for a drink, a bite to eat, stay a little while or a long time, speak English, French, or both, we are flexible, until we are not. Start your weekend right!

What happened this week at English in Toulouse’s French Friday?

One thing to resolve this week is the issue of people coming and going throughout the evening and “forgetting” to pay. I agreed to help police this by insisting people pay as they order, but also the bar needs to insist too. I am torn by being direct and risking looking mean or trying a nuanced approach. Hmmm not really much of a choice here if you know what I mean.

It turns out, I didn’t have to be mean, once everyone started ordering and paying and the bar participated it went smoothly. Of course I left around 21h so if there was a tab still to be paid I don’t know about it yet, but the bar was told that from now on no one would be responsible for unpaid bills, pay as you go or don’t come at all seems to work.

We had some new people show up, some of whom were expecting to speak English and some French. There is not a good system in place to rotate the language so we usually end up speaking whatever language people want, but for newcomers this might not be so good. It worked out last night though.

It was a little lighter than normal in terms of attendance, I guess Easter vacation’s effect, that and maybe the super warm and beautiful weather we are having, it was a shame to be indoors at that hour. There is a terrace out front but not enough room for days when we reach 35 people or so.

Some went on to de Danu to watch the rugby match, which one? don’t ask me, I have no idea, just to illustrate you can come for coffee, a drink, a bite to eat, some networking and later go on for more fun. A little something for everyone.

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I ride a bicycle in Toulouse every day. It is a pleasure and a thrill. Most of the time. Never had a problem with cars incidentally, it’s the pedestrians that I have shifted into my crosshairs. Think Frogger, both for French people and for the idea of the game, to cross the street. Not sure whether the goal is to cross the street, cross it unharmed, or to run things down as they cross the street. In any case, as a child born in the 70′s, who grew up in the 80′s, I am doing my part to revive interest in the game.

I am not an angel on my bicycle but I don’t do things that are super dangerous. Sure I sometimes run through a red light or a stop sign. I even sometimes go down one way streets the wrong way. Once in awhile, when I am in withdrawal, I may even go on the sidewalk, in order to fuel my need to run over pedestrians. If there are cars around or “pedestrians” I obey the law but if the street is deserted, all bets are off! But still, quand même, pedestrians do the stupidest things, so I consider it my calling, to right the wrongs, and “educate” them gently, or if the occasion arises, forcefully.

Lick your lips, whet those appetites, plan your itineraries as I share with you those most unholy places in the land of the Cathar’s where one can draw the blood of stupid pedestrians. Here’s a Google map to assist you.

View Kill Pedestrians Here! in a larger map

1. This is student land, Quai Lucien Lombard, big university just around the corner. There is a wide sidewalk, with lots of room for walking AND a separate bike lane, and yet pedestrians still walk in the bike lane, worse still, they refuse to leave it as if the bicyclist is doing something wrong. As long as I am going to be treated like a criminal, I may as well be one! I haven’t decided if running over students is worth 2 points because you get them early in life so you spare other bicyclists the headaches associated with stupid student behavior, OR if they are worth 1/2 a point because they are so skinny. Try this spot on a Thursday night, when students party, it’s crawling with them, the only downside is that they taste like Coq au Vin because they have already had so much to drink.

2. Rue de Metz, near Rue Alsace Lorraine. This is actually a formidable corner. I almost never run the light because it is busy, there are too many converging paths, and well the windows of the Musèe des Augustins is quite nice, I do have a heart, a small one. However, and there is always a however, going toward Le Pont Neuf on Rue de Metz there is a lane for cars and a lane for buses and the bus lane is also the bike lane. PLUS another good sized sidewalk for you guessed it, piétons. So, if you are following along, you might imagine, no matter what time of day, there are pedestrians in the bike lane on one of the busiest streets of Toulouse. If you don’t see anyone in the lane, hang tight, you will. Watch the sidewalk carefully, there is always someone just a baguette’s throw away from leaping to their death. The typical sequence goes a bit like this, ped jumps into street without looking, crosses halfway, cocks head as they look over shoulder, sneers, and if I have my way, picks up their teeth after being run over by either a bus or a bike, who by the way had the right of way! Guys I need your help here at this corner.

3. The Boulevard, Boulevard Strasbourg, by Place Jeanne d’Arc, Marché Cristal. Of all the places, this one I can at least understand, and possibly forgive. I mean there is a bike/bus lane so there is really no excuse, but walking by a French market would make anyone swoon and lose physical control of their legs. Since I knowhatchasayin I will take a kindler gentler approach, but be warned, you are not possessed by the spirit of Jeanne d’Arc, those voices you hear are mine, whispering, I promised kind, I promised gentle, whispering “I am going to kill you FOOL!” A man of his word.

Each Friday night Roller Rose has been rerouted and the critical mass of Toulouse, Roller Rose, will pass all three locations, please don’t OD on pedestrians though, leave some for me. *lickslips*.

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Are you considering moving to France? Moving to France is a big step and should not be taken lightly, as I did it. Do not worry, I am here to show you the folly of my ways, in order that you can move to France with far fewer headaches and errors. Well you will make your own errors but at least you won’t make mine.

Moving to France: 7 things not to do

1. Do not move to France without a plan. France is not the economic opportunity capital of the world so do not come thinking that something will work out, it will not. Expats can make a good life here, but you must come with a plan, the plan may change or morph into something else, but have something to start working on right away.
2. Do not move to France without thinking about how you will learn French. France is full of expats and English speakers so it is easy to come, get stuck hanging out with only English speakers, and then get trapped not speaking French and having reduced opportunities. Learning French can be fun, make a plan for it or it will never happen though.
3. Do not move to France just for the healthcare system. Securité Sociale is great but if it is at the expense of having a job where you earn enough to live and play, was the tradeoff worth it? Full time blogging AND medical benefits is great but when you cannot go out to the many cultural events, restaurants, and museums that France offers, you will spend your time in your apt blogging, you might as well live in Kansas to do that, it would be cheaper.
4. Do not move to France for French food. You will get tired of it. The French don’t eat fois gras, magret, and cassoulet every day and neither should you! BUT having access to fresh produce in markets throughout every city, town, and region in France is an excellent reason!
5. Do not move to France to go to the public universities! This will require a series of posts detailing my painful experience but trust me it is not worth it, UNLESS you are trying for citizenship by doing 2 years of graduate work, another post to come later. The universities are cheap but of little value, if you have attended a Western university (technically France is in the West but its universities are in the dark ages) you will not like it, les grandes écoles are different though, but as a foreigner you will probably not get accepted anyway so give up now!
6. Do not move to France to spice up your relationship, you may find you don’t like the taste, and you may need years to recover.
7. Do not move to France because you are bored in your country and don’t know what to do. You are not given a magic wand or a bottle with a genie inside at customs so you will be bored here too and worse isolated so it will be even harder to get something started. All of this brings me back to the first point, Do not move to France without a plan!

Wow a year in a French university and I learned iteration, we have entered the loop. If you move to France for any of these foolish reasons you will get caught in an eternal looping iteration and will get stuck. Living in France can be great but it requires the same skills and efforts as wherever you came from. Hone those skills first, then consider moving to France.

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