Now that I am back in the US for three months, I have started to obsess about some of the differences between France and the US. In France there is a real protocol for going to restaurants, not necessarily pretentious, but it is NOT anything goes like in the US. Waiters leave you alone, they bring your food, you ask for more or for the bill. You don’t learn their name and they don’t bother you.

Wait staff in the US always announce their name, I couldn’t care less what your name is and that you are going to be my server. All that is just slowing down the delivery of food to my table, now get your cul in gear!

Telling you where everything comes from, like, organic grain fed beef steak from Lancaster Farms religious freak meadows, early spring striated sommerset hills waxy green beans, in a Greensgrow Farms cilantro remoulade, with Happy Big Mama creme fraîche, blah blah blah, my head hurts just reading, it is like food foreplay that always disappoints.

What the fuck is a day boat anyway, as in day boat scallops? Do they fish at night? Fish have to get up for school so early in the morning.

When you give the menus back, Thank you, when you say it was good, Thank you, when you complain, Thank you, when you KILL, Thank you, I’ll rattle you yet. Thanks for trying to kill me, it just so happens that I have a gousse d’ail around my neck so I am immune to you, by the way, it is Vineland WWF approved endangered elephant garlic on a woven recycled dental floss neckpiece.

Nothing has changed in the last 5 minutes since you last stopped by for a chat. Aren’t you tired of me insulting you in French?

Is this your first time here? Who cares, if there is something to know tell me. I was just kidding when I said it was the first time since I got out of prison, but the unsure look on your face was priceless. I’ll use it again, except you kept coming around, you waited a whole 30 minutes before asking if I had really just gotten out of prison. But you were so cute, like a deer in headlights, just before impact.

How many times can you ask if there is anything else I’d like? You just push me to say ridiculous things, after the last time, do you want a coffee, would you like anything else, maybe some sugar, would you like anything else, perhaps some milk, would you like anything else, it would be nice if you would go and get my coffee now, would you like anything else, I would like this conversation to end now, would you like anything else, oh yes and a pony. She had that look on her face like perhaps she might be able to find one at this hour so I added as long as it is a clover fed 6 week old Assateague stallion, to which she said, what have you been doing in prison? Touché!

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La Grainerie is a circus arts school located in Toulouse. I recently ran across it while searching for interesting non-mainstream things to do. I have been looking to expand my social activities and La Grainerie has different events that sound cool. I don’t think this a lion jumping through fiery hoops kind of animal exploitation misery. There are lots of acrobatics and trampolines and trapeezes and such. Ringling Brothers this ain’t! On the road to becoming a carny.

A little history about La Grainerie: the first incarnation of it was in an old grain storage building, hence the name, La Grainerie. With a home, the performers could now train themselves, practice, and create new forms of “spectacles”. They were temporarily moved to an old military compound where they had lots more space to practice and hone their craft. Finally they are in their new home in Balma Gramont, which is technically outside the city limits of Toulouse, but Toulouse all the same.

I cannot embed the video, but click here to go to another site to see a mini 10 minute documentary about La Grainerie. There is an upcoming festival of circus arts in Toulouse and I see La Grainerie is a part of that. Some of the acrobats are pretty great in the video.

Are you interested in learning circus stunts? Have you been waiting your whole life to ignore the “don’t try this at home, we are trained professionals” line and throw caution to the wind?Click here to see their workshops and training classes.

Maybe you just want to go to one of their performances. I know I do. Check out the program to find your perfect circus night on the town.

Click here to download one of their program schedules.

I think I have also seen people at the marché St Aubin who looked vaguely circus-esque handing out flyers. I am looking forward to my first night at this non traditional circus, who wants to go?

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Are you considering moving to France? Moving to France is a big step and should not be taken lightly, as I did it. Do not worry, I am here to show you the folly of my ways, in order that you can move to France with far fewer headaches and errors. Well you will make your own errors but at least you won’t make mine.

Moving to France: 7 things not to do

1. Do not move to France without a plan. France is not the economic opportunity capital of the world so do not come thinking that something will work out, it will not. Expats can make a good life here, but you must come with a plan, the plan may change or morph into something else, but have something to start working on right away.
2. Do not move to France without thinking about how you will learn French. France is full of expats and English speakers so it is easy to come, get stuck hanging out with only English speakers, and then get trapped not speaking French and having reduced opportunities. Learning French can be fun, make a plan for it or it will never happen though.
3. Do not move to France just for the healthcare system. Securité Sociale is great but if it is at the expense of having a job where you earn enough to live and play, was the tradeoff worth it? Full time blogging AND medical benefits is great but when you cannot go out to the many cultural events, restaurants, and museums that France offers, you will spend your time in your apt blogging, you might as well live in Kansas to do that, it would be cheaper.
4. Do not move to France for French food. You will get tired of it. The French don’t eat fois gras, magret, and cassoulet every day and neither should you! BUT having access to fresh produce in markets throughout every city, town, and region in France is an excellent reason!
5. Do not move to France to go to the public universities! This will require a series of posts detailing my painful experience but trust me it is not worth it, UNLESS you are trying for citizenship by doing 2 years of graduate work, another post to come later. The universities are cheap but of little value, if you have attended a Western university (technically France is in the West but its universities are in the dark ages) you will not like it, les grandes écoles are different though, but as a foreigner you will probably not get accepted anyway so give up now!
6. Do not move to France to spice up your relationship, you may find you don’t like the taste, and you may need years to recover.
7. Do not move to France because you are bored in your country and don’t know what to do. You are not given a magic wand or a bottle with a genie inside at customs so you will be bored here too and worse isolated so it will be even harder to get something started. All of this brings me back to the first point, Do not move to France without a plan!

Wow a year in a French university and I learned iteration, we have entered the loop. If you move to France for any of these foolish reasons you will get caught in an eternal looping iteration and will get stuck. Living in France can be great but it requires the same skills and efforts as wherever you came from. Hone those skills first, then consider moving to France.

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Below is a list of my 4 favorite places to see indie music live in Toulouse. Do you like indie music? However you define indie music, you can see indie music live in Toulouse in at least a few different places. Of course in the real indie music DIY spirit, hopefully there are many more places that are not regular, special, hidden, that you can only find if you know where to look and who to ask.

I have heard of squats located outside of the city that occassionally have music too. I am a bit out of the loop in terms of indie music, and never got into the indie music loop in Toulouse, but I am looking to get my feet wet again. This begins my journey back, come along for the ride. I would love to hear about other smaller lesser known venues, any suggestions?

1. Le Bikini
• Le Bikini is probably the biggest and nicest of the places to see indie music in Toulouse. They even host bands you might not consider indie music but if your favorite band needs a 400 person hall, this is place to see them, great acoustics, beautiful interior, pool on the terrace in the summer, great restaurant, have local band nights.
2. Le Cri de la Mouette
• Le Cri de la Mouette is probably the most interesting of places to see indie music in Toulouse. It is a club located on an old barge on the Canal du Midi. It is small and intimate but quite an experience. They book mostly smaller lesser known bands and the prices are reasonable.
3. Le Saint des Seins
• Le Saint des Seins is located in the St Pierre neighborhood, university student central, so you are sure to see indie music from Toulouse’s large student population. Small and intimate but if too many drunken university students irritate you, and it is easy to see why, I would avoid going unless you really want to see the band.
4. Les Musicophages Mediatheque Associatif
• Les Musicophages Mediatheque Associatif hosts indie music in Toulouse but not on a regular basis. It reminds me of the famed Epiccenter in San Francisco, it is a record store, open only 3-8PM or so and hosts concerts sporadically, but interesting indie music can be found here. During a concert about 40 people fit inside and another 40 generally gather on the street in front, seems very non pretentious to me and in the best of DIY spirits.

Here is a street view of Les Musicophages Mediatheque Associatif because the building and neighborhood are so nice.

View Larger Map

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The following concerts are part of Toulouse d’été and are also free.

• Jeu. 23 juillet, Quai de la Daurade, 18h30, Musique du monde, Bakh Yaye
• Mar. 28 juillet, Quai de la Daurade, 18h30, Musique du monde, Vu à la maison
• Jeu. 30 juillet, Quai de la Daurade, 18h30, Musique du monde, Partido Bom
• Mar. 4 août, Quai de la Daurade, 18h30, Jazz, Raffit-Lacourt
• Jeu. 6 août, Quai de la Daurade, 18h30, Musique du monde, La Tormenta
• Ven. 7 août, Quai de la Daurade, 19h, Musique du monde et chanson, Les Vieilles Pies – La Fanfare P4

See you at Toulouse d’été, mostly at the free concerts.

Visit the official site of Toulouse d’été to learn more.

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Toulouse d’été is an annual music festival here in Toulouse. There are concerts scattered around at various venues. There are even free concerts. Toulouse d’été ranges from classical to flamenco to rock to jazz to blues to bossa nova, in short Toulouse d’été features music from all over the world. Toulouse d’été is largely organized by Alain LaCroix, the director of Espace Croix Baragnon. If you live in Toulouse and like music you will find a concert to see. Below is a listing of the concerts.

Les concerts de Toulouse d’été

• Adam Laloum, Bon anniversaire Monsieur Mendelssohn, mercredi 15 juillet
• Artichaut Orkestra, mercredi 15 juillet
• Le Quartier en dansant et en chantant poliment, jeudi 16 juillet
• Orchestre de chambre de Toulouse, Hommage à Haydn, jeudi 16 juillet
• Alfie Ryner Memorial, jeudi 16 juillet
• Quatuor Modigliani, Vive Haydn et Mendelssohn, vendredi 17 juillet
• Régis Maynard, Pier Planas, Guillaume Barraband, Wab, Rita Macedo et others, Gare aux mots, mardi 21 juillet
• Ensemble Doulce Mémoire, Requiem des rois de France, mardi 21 juillet
• Coen Engelhard et Gisèle Ramonda, mardi 21 juillet
• Le Grand Toz et Kat ça-i, Prise de Terre, mercredi 22 juillet
• Palokortao, jeudi 23 juillet
• Bakh Yaye, jeudi 23 juillet
• Yol Hikayesi, d’Istanbul à Toulouse, vendredi 24 juillet
• Stabat Akish, mardi 28 juillet
• Vu à la maison, mardi 28 juillet
• Toulouse en Bossa, mercredi 29 juillet
• Toulouse en chanson… du monde, jeudi 30 juillet
• Partido Bom, jeudi 30 juillet
• Tangoleón Sextet, Tangoleón, vendredi 31 juillet
• Quatuor Ardeo, Vive Haydn et Mendelssohn, mardi 4 août
• Raffit-Lacourt, mardi 4 août
• Diana Baroni Trio, Flor de verano, mercredi 5 août
• Souleyman’ & the Yala Crew, Mix up, mix up, roots reggae soul music, jeudi 6 août
• La Tormenta, jeudi 6 août
• La Fanfare P4 et Les Vieilles Pies, Quais en fête, vendredi 7 août

Visit the official site of Toulouse d’été to learn more.

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There is an interesting looking exhibition at L’ecole de Beaux Arts in Toulouse about Modern architecture in and around the city of Toulouse.

• Exposition présentée au Palais des Beaux-Arts – Ecole des Beaux-arts de Toulouse
• du 10 juillet au 6 septembre 2009
• Entrée libre du mardi au dimanche de 15 h 20 h
• Vernissage le 9 juillet 2009

It is presented by the Maison d’architecture and L’Ecole de Beaux Arts together. It is open Tuesday through Sunday from 3-8PM. The opening event has already happened.

Check out the review, in French on this site.

Toulouse boomed after the 2nd world war. There was a period of decentralization and Toulouse received Airbus as a major industry. The war in Algeria was ending and many French were returning to France. So a few factors together meant that lots of new housing had to be built in Toulouse. New housing built during the 50′s and beyond.

Lots of the newer housing is not very nice but there are shining examples of modernist architecture in Toulouse. I’m very curious to see what we’ll see at the exhibition. I’m going tomorrow.

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There are many record stores in Toulouse, yes records. I have been living here 1.5 years and have just started to notice this. I am a music junkie. I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before. Today I was walking around the center of Toulouse and stopped counting at 8 record stores. Stores that actually carry records in Toulouse.

I guess since I am not working much and don’t have a lot of money to spare, I haven’t gone into many of the stores. Therefore, I also avert my eyes when I pass their windows. Most of the record stores in Toulouse had a “High Fidelity” look to them. I’m not sure if at age 38, that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I have spent thousands of hours in record stores so I have a soft spot in my heart for them.

My next project on this blog is to go to all the record stores in Toulouse and write a short review. It will be nice to connect with people again over music. Very few, maybe only one, of my friends here really knows and understands that my musical taste really spans Slayer, Verdi, Johnny Cash, Gary Numan, Macy Gray, Jacques Brel, X, Janis Jopin, the Clash, etc. I don’t understand people who like such a limited variety of music, it’s not a judgement, but a true mystery.

Do you know of any good record stores in Toulouse? Where should I start?

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I’m sure you already know how to ask where the wine store is, where the toilets are, and tell the baker how many croissants you want. These 10 words and phrases are little known words and phrases you must know because you will utilize them regularly but you won’t find them in a guidebook. no explanations given, maybe a few, if you live in France, you’ve already used them, if not try them out in different situations until you find the right situation. If you say them with a cute accent, no matter how offensive they are, the French will laugh, hopefully.

10 Words and phrases you must know to move to France

1. Trou du cul, great for practicing the various “U” sounds
2. Mais non madame, ce n’est pas possible que mon vélo ait cassé l’ascenseur, peut-être pourriez-vous perdre un peu de poids
3. Oui, c’est une carte à piste, oui ça marche! Est-ce que vous voulez que je vous montre? Si vous insistez à passer la carte si lentement, la carte va expirer avant que vous n’ayez fini! Mais non madame, carte à piste veut dire que vous ne pouvez pas insérer la carte comme les cartes à puce. Putain . . . . . . . .
4. Non, je ne suis pas Anglo-Saxon, je ne suis pas un Viking, je n’ai pas de lance ou de casque magique. Oui je parle anglais mais c’est tout! Oui, je sais, mais vous vous êtes trompé!
5. J’ai besoin d’un justificatif de domicile pour louer l’appartement? Expliquez-moi, comment est-ce possible? Non, pas en France, en général. Si je cherche un appartement ça veut dire que . . . d’accord, quand j’aurai un domicile je pourrai essayer de louer l’appartement, je comprends, c’est logique.
6. Allo, oui, je voudrais annuler mon forfait. Oui, je pars à l’étranger. Pouvez-vous m’envoyer la résiliation à l’étranger? Parce que pendant deux semaines je vais être là-bas et pas ici. Non je n’ai pas de justificatif de domicile là, j’habite ici, JE VAIS DÉMENAGER là. Si je ne peux pas le faire par téléphone ET qu’il faut que j’attende jusqu’au moment que d’être là-bas, je ne pourrais pas le faire parce que je serais déjà là-bas. Est-ce que vous m’écoutez?
7. Oui vous pouvez, oui, essayez-le, il faut que vous fassiez un peu d’effort, you will use this one over and over again don’t forget it
8. Qu’est-ce que c’est, la banette? Mais, monsieur, c’est la banette! D’accord, c’est logique.
9. Personne ne regarde quand il traverse la rue, la prochaine fois je vais vous écraser, oui en vélo, oui, il faut regarder, parce que c’est logique.
10. Votre dossier est beau et épais, vous devez être fier!

I may have made a few spelling and grammar errors but I did this post in a rush out of frustration. Nothing particular today but in general. These phrases are more useful than those of a guidebook.

***PS- This just in, a reader Nathalie just corrected my sentences. Not too many errors but enough to warrant a correction and a thank you. Visit her site and say thank you for me. http://nathaliehamidi.com/

The next list:
10 ways to insult your elderly neighbor, while they are trying to steal your groceries, that you left in the lobby next to the elevator, while you stepped around the corner for one minute, to check your mail.

What are your favorite French phrases?

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Toulouse is a big city in the south of France that always has a lot to offer. BUT in this economy every centime counts. Let the bean counters count, we’re going to have fun, for little or no money, this is how we do it:

Five Free or Low Cost Ways to Amuse Yourself in Toulouse in June

1. Sunday, June 7th, all national museums are free in Toulouse. The first Sunday of every month means free admission to all state run museums. Some museums to visit: Georges Labit, Paul Dupuy, Les Abbattoirs, and St Raymond. Don’t try to see them all.
2. Wednesday, June 10th, Minimal Orchestra performs at Le Cri de la Mouette. Electro Pop performed by an old French teacher of mine. Minimal performs with Goodnight Monsters and Twee Pop for 5€. Le Cri de la Mouette is an old barge on the Canal de Midi that has been transformed into an intimate concert hall. Scream if you like.
3. June 17th – June 21, The Rio Loco Festival is located on the banks of the Garonne River at the Prairie des Filtres. This year’s Rio Loco theme is the Maghreb so it will feature the music, art, design, culture, and food of Algeria, Morocco, and Tunisia. Highlights: Opening night concert with Khaled, closing night with Rachid Taha. Don’t forget your noseplugs, last year with Balkan Beat Box the stench was a bit overpowering.
4. Saturday, June 20th, Gay Pride Parade in Toulouse. Gay or straight, all are welcome to come and celebrate. Dance, drink, papoter, browse, cruise, wear Italian moviestar sunglasses, march, laugh, cry as the parade winds itself around the narrow cobblestoned streets of centre ville ending at La Place de la Daurade. With or without your high heels.
5. June 21th, Sunday, La Fête de la Musique. All over France La Fête de la Musique means all day and all night non-stop music. Music from early morning to late in the evening on every street corner in every city. A huge mixture of music and styles and it is FREE. Sleep is for people who are tired and programs are for people who need direction.

What else do you have on your June agenda to add?

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