This is PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. I don’t think the woman’s response was so eloquently funny, but the situation sure was. The things corporations do to personalize your experiences with their products, I think you’ve gone a little too far guys. Here is the letter in it’s entirety.
A real letter to Proctor and Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.
And that’s a promise I will keep. Always!
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Popularity: 53% [?]
Actually, I kind of liked her suggestions for messages on the Maxi-pads. Funny stuff.
Yeah those were funny. I just think that humor can be so much funnier without cursing. I am not opposed to it moralistically or anything like that. I just think that when something is written in a really humorous way it is much funnier than are “effin kidding me” and such things, that was what I was referring to.
I understand your reluctance to use profanity (it does get downright boring after a while) but sometimes when you feel really strongly about something, it just seems to be the only way to express those feelings. My foremost reason for disliking rap is the overuse of profanity. But that’s a whole different story.
I have no reluctance to curse, I just think I can make something funnier with clever language rather than vulgar language. Sometimes something forcefully said requires cursing and sometimes it is the only way to be heard. Unfortunately, I am also learning plenty of fun words in French so I’ll be up to speed in no time. Watch out!
If the ordeal is such a major source of displeasure you could always decide to forgo all the drama and opt for the Depo shot and never have those life altering episodes again. And probably save a lot of animosity directed to your sad monthly plight.
Yeah, that is until you’re in your early 30′s when depo suddenly decides that you need 18 day periods.
What level of hell would like with your fries Bushy?
[...] Back to the post that got me on this subject. You have to check it out for a giggle [...]
I don’t know much about the depo shot but it can’t be a good thing. I wouldn’t take a shot that made it not necessary for me to go to the bathroom. No matter how convenient it might make life it just wouldn’t be good.
Yeah, women on periods are bitches.
Well in all fairness to Wendi, she did say it was the first day of her period.
“Have a Happy Period”. Why is a MAN employed by Proctor & Gamble as The Brand Manager of the Feminine-Hygiene Division? A man simply CANNOT possibly know how to market this particlar division of his company’s products. He simply does not know women, nor how to approach a sales pitch towards them.
Remove him sideways, Proctor & Gamble, and put a woman in his place.
Surely, a more empathic and effective sales drive would be an encouraging, sympathetic, medically-based advice, helpful and informative messages on the pads.
No woman, even without excruciating period pains or extreme mood swings, actually ENJOYS having a period. Proctor & Gamble really do need to get real – and stop printing this offensive pseudo-we-undestand-women’ stuff on their, otherwise, perfectly good product.
Cathy
I agree.
Cathy, why are you so sexist? Why does it need a woman to manage a sector of a company purely because its about periods? I would doubt that it was his idea to put the messages on the pads despite it possibly being his final desicion. The nearest equivilent is me saying women shouldnt manage condom brand operation because they dont have cocks whic would get me shot down for being a chauvaniust pig.
No, it was funnier with the cursing. F-cking is funnier than effing, unless you are being ironic.
Charlie
How many times have you helped your wife/girlfriend use a tampon?
How many times has your wife/girlfriend helped you use a condom?
It is nowhere near equivalent. Condoms are something 2 people use together, I doubt you could say the same about a tampon. If you could I real really don’t want to know about it.
Woman know a lot more about condoms than men know about tampons.
It is a lot less likely that a woman would have let such an obnoxious comment remain on the package. If men make such ridiculous decisions we have no choice but to discriminate against them, it is for their own good, PS I am a man.
Easy on the depo shots. I haven’t had a period since 1999, and it’s been fabulous.
I know nothing about them, I only speculate they can’t be good for you. Maybe they are fine. If it makes you happy, then it can’t be all that bad, right Sheryl Crowe? Seriously, I don’t care if you have them, I just think it can’t be very good, like genetically modified fruit and vegetables.
I was on depo for awhile and when I got off it, I had the most excruciating period that lasted for MONTHS! Let your body do what it’s supposed to do naturally! It WILL get revenge on you later if you don’t. LOL!
That is exactly what I imagine. We forget the body has an internal sense of equilibrium and is probably best left alone. Within reason.
[...] wrote the Always complaint letter, has done what I have always wanted to do every time I saw one of those stupid “happy [...]
No-one thinks there’s anything wrong with their choice of contraceptive UNTIL they start to have problems with it, by which time it is too late! Because the companies who make contraceptives do their own safety tests and publish THEIR own results as the known facts, doctors WILL NOT record instances when patients report other problems which they associate with their contraceptive, claiming that as these side-effects are not acknowledged as common they must be of another cause. As such official figures for contraceptive safety have not been independently verified & can’t be relied upon when assessing potential risk. “Depo-provera is known to lower circulating levels of Oestrogens in some women leading to lower bone mineral density. Concerns have also been raised regarding a possible link to increased risk of HIV infectionand its known side effects of depression, menstrual irregularity, weight gain, and loss of libido.
It has been used as a population control device around the world, including in the U.S, and is being heavily marketed toward young women, women of color, low-income women, and women in prison.” ( http://hubpages.com/hub/Controversial-Complimentary-Contraception )
I might have guessed that a man would have a hand in designing tampons & sanitary pads… hence why most are designed badly… just like kitchens!